I’ve lost
I’ve lost myself
I’ve lost myself in you, in us, in this so-called partnership
Being about you made me forget about me
Complying to your every command, answering your every beck and call
Jumping when you say jump, nevermind how high, I just do
If I fall, oh well, I won’t be caught
I did what was asked of me, that’s all that matters
That’s all that ever matters
But you love me?
Though we’re not together, one would never know it, you won’t let me go
I’m single and free to do what I want, able to come and go as I see fit
Your words, not mine
Yet, when I do, anger ensues, the Riots Act read loud and clear
You don’t want me, but no one else can have me
Possessive…
Selfish…
Greedy…
Holding onto half of me so no one will have me whole-heartedly
But you want me to be happy…
I’d forgotten the meaning of the word when your presence meets mine
I couldn’t be around you without feeling as if my world was crashing down
I didn’t remember what smiles look or felt like
I hadn’t heard my own laugh in what seems to be an eternity
Self-respect had flown away, integrity fallen by the wayside
I didn’t know who I was when I was with you
I didn’t like who I was when I was with you
Yet, I couldn’t leave…
I wouldn’t leave, my heart wouldn’t let me
But I loved you…
And I stayed…
I stayed, not because I loved you
I stayed because I didn’t love me
I didn’t like me
I forgot all about me
Depression kept me bound
Lack of self worth had me stationary
Truth be told, to be totally honest
I stayed out of fear, fear of loneliness
But I’d rather be alone…
Shackled by the anguish and drama you swear is love
I’d rather see what life has left for me
I’d rather see who God truly made for me
I see now I wasn’t built, wasn’t ready for your type of love
I’m not made for the type of love that disregards the one who loves him
The type of love that ignores the concerns and worries of its better half
This type of love I can’t love in return
I can’t deal, can’t bear, I don’t deserve it
I’d rather be alone than endure this abusive type of love.

Jamila Gomez
© 2009