Dec. 2008;; { i thought i was happy but that was only for a minute and during tha day. this feelin inside cannot die out. it comes out at night. i feel so empty inside. i feel lost. alone. trapped. what is this? i know there's still hope for me. im tryna pull out tha other half of me who wants 2 b happee but my other half takes over. pain still runs thru these veins. consuming my body. i feel sad but no i wont kill myself. no need. life is a friend of mines. mayb its just me. my body is froze and cold. in pain. i feel heartless. has my hearts been shot down? idk. im so confused. something keeps pulling me back in. i guess i need more time. all i can do is try and hope for tha day where i can not only set free the inside of me but also thee out. i wont let tha pain take over me. im strong. inside i feel dead. i try to live everyday as if im happy but inside i feel no pain so wat can b wrong. what is tha cause for this? feelin empty makes me feel as if i dont even exist. what more is there for me 2 do? no matter what i do i seem 2 end up standn in tha same spot feelin tha same wayy. pple have been by my side giving me advice&&standn alongside me but it doesnt help so much anymore. i use to hold my tears in but now enough is enough. i cant hold it in anymore. cant help but to let the tears run down my face. && let tha screams and yells come outta my mouth. im goin insane. a headachez startn up. i hate feelin this wayy. i feel miserable. mixed emotions is what im havin i guess. im not sure. not sure about anything anymore. "Christmas" is almost here and im feeln like this. i dont want to. not in tha holiday cheer or anywhere near dat. i feel like throwin up. *sigh* i wont let death b an option or any type of escape. i will find another way outt. right now im just a lost soul tryin to find its wayy back....once AGAiN i ask myself, where do i stand in this world. Still a bit confused about who i am as well. I'm tired of tryna overcome this and then end up feelin tha same way aftawards...This feeling i thought was gone but i noticed dat it never really did. It was there all along just hidden underneath tha fake happiness i tend to show off.. }

--KOOLAiiD