How could I have ever believed
That his lack of love was ever good for me
He stayed tryin’ to fight any nigga even glance at me
All the while tellin’ me I was ugly and no one else would ever want me

I was 18, he was 23, when I got pregnant with our baby
The day I found out was the first time his violent side betrayed me
I was shocked as he cried and apologized and said he didn’t mean it
But there was a little voice within me tellin’ me not to believe it

He told me he loved me, but he didn’t want me to have it
Told him no way was I killin’ my seed …that’s when him hittin’ me became habit
Each and every day I thought “this too shall pass”
But it didn’t. The 6’5”, 240 lb nigga stayed on my little ass


I just took it and prayed that my baby would make it
I’d sacrifice my life for my sons…’cause his life was sacred
His anger just grew as I became more ambitious
Working and going to school, while he was getting more vicious

He just couldn’t see the vision I had of a better life for us three
Instead he got paranoid and started stealing my keys
But only on days I had major exams to take
But I said “fuck it!” and took the train…my sons and my future were at stake

By then my son was born and I was focused as can be
I dreamed daily of a better life for him and for me
There were nights I locked my baby with me in the bathroom to keep us safe
I layed in the tub…him wrapped in my arms, studying, holding on to my faith.

He kept me from my family and friends ‘cause the bruising was so bad
Truth is, the pussy nigga was scared to death of my dad
He didn’t do 10 years in Riker’s Island for no reason
My baby daddy knew…one word and Papi would make him stop breathing.

It’s 4am and I’m remembering all this as he has me face down trying to rape me
I’m screaming “STOP! You’re hurting me! Please don’t wake the baby!”
I’m cryin’, beggin’, and pleading thinking “this nigga’z crazy!”
Praying with everything in me someone will come and save me

Thinking I should’ve told my daddy the 1st time he layed hands on me
But I thought by dealing with it alone I was proving I was grown
And besides…where I come from (Harlem) this nigga wouldn’t just get an ass whippin’
Between my daddy and brothers, he’d fo’ sho’ end up missin’

And I didn’t want that shit on my conscience, on my soul
But I can’t lie, right now, lookin’ back, wish I would have been more bold
See my father and brother had a right to the free lives they were livin’
And I didn’t want to be the cause of 3 more black men in prison

So, instead, I’m laying on the floor…begging him to fucking stop
‘Cause right now my sanity is in question
I’ve dealt with this one too many damn nights
I’m ‘bout to teach this nigga here a lesson

Im’ma give him ‘bout 5 more seconds to get the fuck up off of me
The countdown starts…now…immediately…

5…
Counting the number of steps that will get me to the bed
4…
I know there’s at least one in the chamber, ‘bout to put it in his head
3…
He has me face down on my stomach twisting my arm behind my back
2…
Was that my arm I just heard fucking snap??!!
1…
This shit here is DONE. ..i’m done tryin’ to fight him, I’m getting’ my gun!!

I managed to break free, broken arm hangin’ at my side
Just got to my gun as I heard my baby cryin’
I’m shaking as I aim it straight at this man’s head
He’s breathin’ slow…knows I’m ‘bout to get him dead

I have my finger on the trigger, I’m ready to do this
I’m tired of fightin’, cryin’, and making excuses
Just when I’m ‘bout to cock it back I feel something touch me
I look down, my son had crawled in the room he’s tryin’ to climb up me

At that I moment I knew fo’ sho’ God truly existed
I saw God in my son’s eyes…this was not how God wished it
I slammed the butt of the gun across that niggaz face
Picked up my son and got the fuck out that place




****If he puts his hands on you, it's not love. PLEASE get the fuck out! I'm lucky he didn't kill me. If it wasn't for God. PLEASE GET HELP. PLEASE. You deserve so much more and better. Don't become a statistic. You are Blessed and Highly favored. If you need to talk, email me and I will help you****