even though im in my 20's
there still rest the child in me..dying to burst out of my chest
and scream out loud to those ears possible, but more importantly... to the wind

those visits to the park with my niece and nephew get me all tingly inside
as i sit my adult ass on the child made swing
wrap my fingers around the chains and smoothly kick my legs off
swooshing them back and forth in order to get higher air..giggling with all of me

an experience i was forcefully denied

as i have expressed time after time on so many occasions
*swallowin the frustrated emotion in my throat and tilting my head back
only so the tears that forever pierce against my lids falls in a backwards path
to avoid the salty battle with my cheeks type invasion*

while kids were out playin hop scotch and double dutchin
in a house inhaling drug contaminated air thru my tiny lungs
struggling to breathe while she claims it was due to asthma reaction

while kids were outside riding bikes in packs of four
playing hide and seek in all the other neighbors yards
i walked in on my mother with her legs wrapped around the waist of a stranger
turned to walk out only to see powder lines stretched across a piece of broken mirror

holiday school performances were of no exception of her "im there for you" boundaries
as i sang silent night my eyes scanned the room to see the familiar face
instead after every let down of "imma be there"..tears dripped as the joyful spirit it replaced

walkin thru a field dark holding hands of my brother and little sister
only to enter the house while mama sits with her eyes close nodding her head
sniffin and shiftin her doped up body sittin on the armrest of the recliner

"mama where were you? i thought u said u was gonna come"
she replied "im sorry baby something else came up"
i knew! *crys* damn it i fuckin knew
gettin my clothes togetha hoppin in the shower to wash away the pain and sorrow
but only to step away from the steam to collapse on the back of the tub rim cryin
only because i know its gonna be the same excuse tomorrow and all days that follow

i felt like a child placed in the center of the woods with her saying.."dont go nowhere
ill be right back, dont talk to strangers cuss u might get kidnapped"
silly bitch..strangers? hell im the only mutha fucka here
how do u find it so easy to walk away from your child with eyes full of tears

i hear a brush up against a bush
i cry out "mama is that you...mama are you there"
only to be scared outta my mind with a rabbit hoppin from the shadow
running off but not before a quick stop and stare

falling to the ground cryin with my legs pulled to my chest as my knees become my pillows
hoping that this time will be different...and mama will be coming like she said
but as the sky turns black and the air becomes misty
that same feelin from the stage overwhelmingly takes over my body

forgotten again
trapped inside this freshy being of
emotional prison called an abandoned kid