Blog Entry
I once liked this girl...i mean really really diggin her deep. Problem was, she had a girlfriend and I knew dat 4rm da beginnin.. But instead of avoidin her, i put up my defense mechanism: rationalization. N i let her get in my head. Now dont get me wrong, she aint a bad person..matta fact her personality IS what got me. I was hooked. Her and her gf were havin problems at da time we met. Ok, still no excuse 4 me ta fall stupid. But i rationalized wit dat n told myself, "well...they probly aint gon stay togetha if her gf treatin her as bad as she say". My alterego whispered in my ear, "DUMBASS". How I surprise myself wit my own stupidity every time lol. Its been 2 months now n her and her gf still togetha. Rewind it back 2 da beginnin: We talked every night..i had conversation 4 her fa days n she had da same 4 me. We were so intrigued wit each otha..wonderin what it would b like if we was really togetha..cuz if i get a good 1, uma treat her right. She used 2 tell me dat was all she wanted anyway. I coulda did dat n thensome. Fast forward: I know somethin aint right but um still ina defense mode...trynna rationalize da situation when i know damn well dat she havin her cake n eatin it too! I know what it is when i c it cuz i done did da same shit b4...but is it bcuz um in da otha position...viewed as da otha woman? Sideline hoe? lol aint what i wanna b right now. Um wonderin...when she gon let dis girl go cuz um waitin on her as patient as i can possibly b. My feelins r a lil intense so when i come at her, it aint gon b no soft shit. I let her know upfront how i feel about her n how she make me feel when she stay wit dis girl (tryin my best 2 say it ina way where i wont hurt her feelins) But WTF am i worried about her feelins 4? Um gettin cut up ina process... She say she undastand n dat she feels da same way. Of course, i think its bullshit cuz she aint in my position so how she know how da fuck i feel?!? Ion xpect her 2 change nothin cuz i got myself in dis mess...ill get myself out. Fast FORWARD some mo: I told her several times dat we needed 2 stop talkin n cut all sources of communication. She dont like dat idea but i say its da only way i can get ova my feelins 4 her. She say she undastand. But when i try ta go thru wit dis shit, i end up communicatin wit her somehow...her callin me...or me callin her...or whateva. When a person is really fed up wit somethin, they leave it alone..simple as dat. Obviously, i aint quite fed up yet. She really doesnt undastand eitha, dat i can only wait so long...n dat aint even long.. I refuse 2 share. I want her 2 myself. She CLAIMS she wants me 2 herself, but whateva. Ya know scorpios can b some jealous n possessive creatures. Well um focused on havin her. I c her as mine sometimes even tho she really aint. N ta hear her talk about anotha female, mann dat shit get me so hott. But how can i get upset when i knew what it was 4rm da get-go. I have no right 2 feel dis way do i? PRESENT DAY: She calls me dis mornin n ion even feel like talkin 2 her...as if my desire 4 her done got stale. It done grew old n now i xpress my negativity Alot. I tell her 2 talk 2 me if she wants 2 talk cuz i really dont have shit 2 say ta her. She brushes it off... yeah. Ion even c us bein togetha...mayb a good fuck, but not relationship material. Cuz my view of her wit me ina relationship is distorted..tainted. My fantasy ruined. I dont know if she knows but eventually, it will show. I doubt if she even care...she got hers. But i was waitin on mines..which was her. So if she gotta main what she need me 4? Um hangin around like a dummy when i could cut her off completely, get my mind right, n keep it movin. N i will. As a matta of fact, i already have.