Soo I'm sitting here at 1:27 in the morn...knowing i need to be asleep but i just can't shake these restless thoughts of mine, I mean i'm sooo beyond tired of going back and forth with the damn {L} word. Tired of marking it as the reason why i'm cold, reason why i choose to be alone. because its all bullshit, you and i both know that. I love to love just like everybody else. Honestly && Truly I'm scared (Shitless) to be exact...because my past never came into my future, it was seized before it could even try. I miss The touch of a woman's hand, her aggressiveness that allowed me to fall in submissivness, something that a man could never do. I miss playing in her hair and the gentle smell. I miss being held tenderly. Damn I miss so much but it seems like im not willing to go on..because my sub conscious mind is telling me to stop! Constantly voicing its opinion, constantly telling me I made it through the family storm and now i'm supposed to be rejuvinating BUT I'm lonely and I miss the touch of a SHE. How can this be? How can this be when my She's never turned out right, they never wanted but were always forced to leave me. Scared (Shitless). Because i know that if i go out on the seach of a newly found SHE then typically I couldn't get into any FALLING IN LOVE ish..seeing as though i have no intention in staying here, But i still crave the attention the SHE would be willing to give me. This could all be so simple, if only I grew some ovaries and just did the damn thing. no questions asked. got what i wanted and gave them all two flying fucks. BUT I CAN'T. I'm tossing and turning with this bullshit!! If i get a WOMAN to please me i'm scared ass fuck to go through all that damn crazy family ish..It almost killed me the last time. Im slowly regaining strength again and i'm scared that maybe just maybe im not strong enough to do it again.{at this moment in time}But Having someone you love with all you got. I mean every fiber in your body and have it ripped away. because of what THEY got to say. I mean we were pretty damn strong, solid in our love. but i'm sorry a person can only take so much. you can only watch your partener go through so much suffering, when you love them, you let them go. and i don't want to do that again. I wan tto love them Freely and Fully. no you can't come over to the crib cause moms is crazy, no you can only chill with me in the driveway. no sneaking around none of that! I'm so READY. I got a new beginning but i'm still not complete. so i'll just stay solo right. ya'll think im really doing good with this shit don't you. the whole countdown to 18 when i'll just be ready to say " fuck what you think, im going to do me". tuh..if only you knew, how much my heartaches,how much i yearn just to be held, just to be touched. this is for the birds and they all flying south. oh shit now the tears wanna fall. NO! fuck these tears, fuck this heart, fuck this love. UGGHHH I just wanna be free
Playing Possum - Maxwell...
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Commented on the poem "lesbians gays and experimentors" on 11/16/09 at 11:47 PM
