It amazes me how fake I can be
I thought nice new clothes and a brighter smile would make me feel better of me
I thought saying a daily prayer would make all my problems go away
I thought I’d wake up to Jesus and angels showing me a brighter day
I thought I could sing in the shower and that someone would hear my disguised plead
But I wasn’t shocked when no one came running to help me

I’ve gone through so much in my life that I got tired of writing about it so my pen fell into a coma
I tried to feed it through IV but it developed a “LET IT ALL OUT” phobia
I try, lord knows I try to release these feelings and share them but my thoughts get scared and hide
And because I don’t want to give people the right to judge me I keep it all inside
So today, as a desperate attempt to try again I gave my pen mouth to mouth and 15 strokes of CPR
And even though I’m happy it came back to life, my efforts only took me so far

You see, my pen finally gave way and spoke today, but it’s still scared to write down my thoughts
Cuz it knows the pain my heart feels, always leaving it distraught
Memories still haunt me and there are not enough tress on this earth for me to write it all down
So I had no choice but to tattoo it in my heart while on my tear flow I drown
“HELP ME!!! HELP ME!!!” I yell, but it seems the whole world has me on mute
So I took time off to try to somehow find my poetic roots

So I’m sorry I can’t really switch up my style, I am consumed by CONFUSION AND PAIN
and when I see the same look in my son’s eyes I hate to see that we are so much… the same
GOD fucked me over cuz I wasn’t a member of his faith and his crew
BUT I WILL NOT LET MY SON GO THROUGH THIS SIMPLY BECAUSE I DON’T FOLLOW YOUR RELIGIOUS POINTS OF VIEWS
“Baby boy, don’t be like me, I’m at the verge of killing myself cuz I can’t handle life”
**CRYING** and I swear the last thing I wanted was for you to witness my strife **CRYING**

If I could turn back the hands of times I probably would’ve had an abortion so that another “CHILD” will not have to suffer
But had I not had you honey I would have never gotten tougher
Had it not been for my son, I would’ve probably ended up dead from a single gun shot wound to my fucking brain
Cuz I would have rather witnessed my soul go to HELL than to live with the vivid images of
Me + grandpa + fingers + bloody sheets that STAINED!

DAM YOU MOM
Why the fuck didn’t you just have an abortion when you had the chance
Instead you had me, and I forever live in a fucked up mental trance
I hate my fucking life, and nothing my man does will ever make me 100% happy…
GOT DAMMIT………. AND I CAN’T CONVINCE HIM THAT IT’S NOT HIM… IT’S ME!!!!

I’m so tired of hurting but it lives within every single cell in my blood stream…
and until I can somehow rid myself of this pain… I will… always…be… sad
THAT’S JUST ME!!!