(A Parody of 'twas the nightbefore Christamas)

‘twas 1 hour before closing
And all through la biblioteca
Not a patron was stirring
Y hablaba con mi muñeca

The books were all shelved
Magazines put away
In hopes they’d be checked out
tomorrow or another day

The teens all filed out
Last-minute projects complete
And they all headed home
Para comida, to eat

Miz Thicka Den Thick
And AC in his cap
Had just locked thangs up
And called the day a wrap

When back in the stacks
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my seat
To see what was the matter

Away to the rear
Miz Thicka close behind
We tip-toed quietly
What we saw blew our minds

The moon glowing through
The sky windows above
Cast shadows on soiled carpet
Of a couple in love

And what
to our limited eyesight appeared
but a man weaved and made up
and a chick with a beard

They were really goin at it
Almost made me and Thicka sick
Cause the dude had a chula
And the chick had the dick!

More rapid than 5-0 in the suburbs
They came
Miz Thicka and I spewed
Then called them out their names

Gwan freaks, ya mcnasties
Whoremongers and hoes
Go get a hotel room
THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED!!!!

To the bottom of the stairs
Outside, to the wall
Now go away, get out
Take that shit to a stall!

As roaches do sneak
In the darkness of night
One flick of a switch and
They scurry in the light

So down toward the exit
The offenders they ran
I still was confused
Who’s the chick, who’s the man

Then after a moment
We heard on the stairs
A rising of moaning
And a babbling of prayers

Security drew pistols
We were on the way down
Down the two offenders slid
After a loud crackling sound

They rolled and they spasmed
Not in ecstasy, not on pleasure
Their fit was the result
Of a good old-fashioned taser

A bundle of clothing
Lay open at their side
I pinched closed my nostrils
Smelled like something had died

His pants-- how they reeked
His visage showed no wealth
Miz Thicka was like
No this ninja didn’t shit on himself!

His ruby red mouth was
drawn up in a grimace
A five o’clock shadow
Hid pre-Proactive (Solution)-type blemishes

The stump of a penis
She held in her hand
I thought to myself
Hmm, post-op, guess she is a man!

She had a round face
And a round roll-type belly
That shook when she jerked
Like a bowl full of jelly

She was chubby and thick
A right studley old female
And her cell phone did ring
I did notice it was AllTell

And I laughed when I saw that
Thicka said, “refrain if you can”
I couldn’t cause I knew
she had a fucked up cell plan!

Their eyes they did twitch
And their heads they did too
The police just stared
They didn’t know what to do

No one said a word
But called on their radios
We need back up in here
Yeah we know “THE LIBRARY’S CLOSED”

We stepped over the two
Miz Thicka pinched her nose
She said, “why does this always happen,
When the damn library is closed?”

We jumped on the MARTA
To AC, gave a pound
And off the train went
To the south side of town
And I yelled out to Miz Thicka
Cause my stop was next
“Seeing that kinda shit…
makes me never wanna have any more sex!”